Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.

Good advice.

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

yeah no that’s fair

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..