Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

What number SPF blocks people?

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house