Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

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Twitter handles are what would happen if the DMV let everyone put whatever they wanted on their license plates.


HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*


Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom


If I say I’m going to meet my maker, it’s just me having lunch with my parents.


the idea that the “ideal beach body” just means being thin or buff is so unimaginative, surely the ideal beach body would have a powerful lobster claw, arm flaps to act as a windbreak and a sand repellent anus


Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?


My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.


Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?