Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
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Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
A Match(.com), but for socks.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
my fav colour is also hitler
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now