ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
You Might Also Like
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
❤️❤️❤️
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!