ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
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Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Alexa, make me look good naked.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0