Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

Warm pools make me nervous.

#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

Happy weekend !

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.