Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Self-cleaning conscience

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

How do I rate our solar system?

One star

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game

ME: so crying is competitive now?!

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.