ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”![]()
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Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
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If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
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H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?