Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.

Probably.

If I can just remember where the hell…

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*