Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
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I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
This made me smile…
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else