ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
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Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
A game married people play.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
why no one uses midhusbands
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it