ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
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there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
how DARE
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there