ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
You Might Also Like
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Goodnight 🐶
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.