Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

me: I’m having hearing issues

doctor: can you describe the symptoms?

me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
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Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready

Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*

Model: Who the hell are you

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*