Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after