Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

Thanks to a fan for this one!

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

[carnival]

ME: How do I win?

CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table

ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*

CARNIE: Oh shi-

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side

My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”

Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

What do you call a Magician without any magic?

Ian.