Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

Asking the real questions!

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!