Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

2019: The floor is lava.

2020: The year is lava.

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”