Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

There are usually two types of merchants.

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

If you’re testing me, we failed.

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.