me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
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Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
That’s easy for you to say
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
It kinda feels like this rn
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.