me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
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Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.