me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
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Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.