ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
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I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”