Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
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Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.