Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
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I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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paddle faster i hear baby shark
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ