Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.

Me: Okay.

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

The Joker was right

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

4: I need my princess dress NOW!

Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!

4: Who are you talking to?

Me: Your servants

4: I don’t have servants

Me: Exactly