Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”