Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
You Might Also Like
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time