Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

I want this so bad

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”