Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!