Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

They also CAN sing✌️

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

This is the best one I’ve seen

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

Unimpressed

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.