Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
You Might Also Like
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
A dad and his duck
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions