Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

The chart results are in…

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

[Restaurant]

“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please

“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”