Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
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I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
pls suprot
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I’m giving up for Lent.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”