@moooooog35

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

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@panmidwest

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

@QwertyJones3

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”

@Staggfilms

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

@hotmessminushot

I don’t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don’t even like 15 people altogether in my life.

@Rlpihl

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

@HomeProbably

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

@SheBanggs

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.