[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
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But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I don’t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don’t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
*buys another bird with the profits*
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
We found Dove in a soapless place
This is everything
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.