Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?

Farmer: Barley.

Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.