me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
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Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.