Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!