Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

Gross if literal…Liverpool

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?

Me: What?

7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS

Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.

7yo: WHOA 🤯

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

🔥🔥

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees