ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
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them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
not for long
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.