Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
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Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week