Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

I have obtained a hat

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright