Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
You Might Also Like
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
The news
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”