Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
You Might Also Like
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>