Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
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Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
There are usually two types of merchants.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.