Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

The United Steaks of America

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?