Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
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[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”
My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
🤣😂🤣
