Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
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I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.