Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

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“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”


Based on my Netflix recommendations I’m either a serial killer or chef


HUMAN BODY: I can grow a fully formed human baby in like 9 months. I’m talking brain, functioning respiratory system, eyeballs, everything.

ME: Cool, cool. How long will it take for my twisted ankle to feel better?

HUMAN BODY: 7 years and it will never be the same.


My ex (2 years ago) : Let’s spice things up and role play!

Me: I’m in!

Ex: “Good evening, Mr. Grey…”

Me: I’m out!


When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”


Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:


Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.


[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t


I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.