Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
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(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Lube but for my dry humor.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife