ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
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[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
