ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
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I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.