Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

🤣✨#caturday

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

Great acting.. 😂

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*