Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
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If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?