Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
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He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Me checking my bank balance online.
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so