Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them

MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long

ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

Seems a bit forward

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

The little toadstool has spoken.

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

ㅤ

My dad teaching me to drive

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.