Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…

People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

Story of my life…..

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.