Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
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me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right