Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
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Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Monday
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job