Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
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My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
