Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
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Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?