Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
You Might Also Like
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes