me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
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A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysittingforgive me
they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
They got Raph!
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Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.