me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
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My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳#stats
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt