me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
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I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Science memes
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Good morning
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
i now pronounce you bounced.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular