[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
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I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I’m good, thanks.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!