[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
You Might Also Like
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Oh yeah that’s it
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?