[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
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Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.