[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
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Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
