[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
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Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
