[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
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All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce