[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

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Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.


It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”


I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend


So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.


Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.


I send flowers “From Steve” to my neighbors wife every Friday night, then watch them fight from my living room window while eating popcorn




My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.