@philmann

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

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@Adar79Angie

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

@chrislhayes

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

@_odlanyeR

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

@WilliamAder

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

@robdelaney

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

@F5X11

I send flowers “From Steve” to my neighbors wife every Friday night, then watch them fight from my living room window while eating popcorn

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@ThatDamnFireman

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.