[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
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*Tucks shirt in*
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I’m sorry but shits and giggles don’t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
The joke is on you, fruit flies. We don’t even have any fruit.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!