@philmann

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

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@murrman5

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

@TheRolo

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

@catstronomical

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

@Underchilde

I’m sorry but shits and giggles don’t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.

@MrSkinnyGenes

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

@climaxximus

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

@BraandoCommando

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!