[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
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*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
My birth announcement for our third baby
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Jus’ sayin. 😐
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today