Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add