[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
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witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
