Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.