Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

Oh yeh? Explain this then

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.