Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS